From Behind the Glass: Life as a Referee Parent
By: Dan Stackhouse
Firstly, I would like to thank Matt Bell for telling his story. He is wise beyond his years.
When he spoke about the 14-year official who has been only reffing for about a year or so, it was like he was speaking directly about my son.
My son started reffing last season at the age of 13. Being a relatively quiet kid who avoids confrontation it was a surprise when he said he wanted to start reffing hockey. He loved playing the game - but reffing? That’s a whole other matter.
My son has embraced his job as an official. Last year he officiated over 160 games. This season to date he has officiated 125 games since Sep 2018.
In the past couple of weeks, we have had a few tournaments in the Greater Saint John, NB area. For there is nothing better than watching hockey at all levels, especially when you have no horse in the race. During a tournament weekend my son officiates several games at several levels.
I have never been the parent who drops their kid off and says see you in an hour. Generally, I will find my spot along the glass and watch the game.
I don’t say too much to others but I do a lot of listening and hear the usual “HEY DUMBASS, THAT’S OFFSIDE”, “WHAT THE HELL?? THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN 5 MINS!”, “OPEN YOUR EYES”. All of those being directed to a 14-yr. old kid who is learning the game as much as their player on the ice. Not very many people know who I am. However most importantly my son knows I am there to support him and have his back if need be.
A couple weeks ago I was in my usual spot, along the glass sipping my coffee. It was another weekend tournament going on. The two teams (Peewee B) were from NB just not our area. Most games in here are 4-man system as much as possible, 2 refs and 2 linesmen.
Almost right in front of me, a player was hauled down, both players went down. They both were up and back in the game, neither my son nor the other ref made a call.
About three feet away from me was a rather vocal dad. He was yelling the usual comments. I didn’t ask but I am sure he was a level 5 ref (aren’t they all)?
This guy didn’t stop with the usual. He slapped the glass and yelled towards my son “YOU F...... ASSHOLE!".
At that moment in time I had 101 things run through my head as a response to this guy. I stepped a few side steps and was now beside him.
I told him that kid who he was yelling at was my 14 yr old son.
I asked who his player was so I could pay the same respect towards him. I told him my voice is extremely loud and people would hear me in the parking lot.
His face kind of turned white with embarrassment and he apologized.
He said he got caught up in the game. I reminded him that the kids on the ice are Peewee B players and from what I could see, none of them were heading to the NHL.
"It is only a game". He apologized again and eventually relocated his standing spot to the other side of the rink. No, I didn’t hear his voice again.
My son came off the ice that game and said he didn’t want to wear the bands in the next game, it wasn’t worth it. I told him he knew the rules and how to do his job very well. I made it a life lesson and told him he will meet many people in life who will have lots to say about how he does his job. As an adult if I took things personal, I wouldn’t have the job I have. Sometimes we have to focus on the positives not get hauled down by the negatives. He had his break and was back on the ice for the next game.
Sadly, I could give many examples of the same conduct from not only spectators but coaches as well. The quicker these people figure out the real reward of coaching and watching their kids play is seeing their child’s skills develop from the first day on ice to the final buzzer of the season.
The bright side? This past weekend we had another tournament in Saint John. On three different occasions during three different games I heard parents reminding others the kids are on the ice to have fun, that’s it is only a game and they aren’t heading for the NHL anytime soon. Hopefully this trend will continue.
The answer? Support, support and more support.
We are lucky here in Saint John. We have very strong leadership from our RIC Robert Keays right down the line to officiating supervisors and evaluators. Our officials are not put into situations they are suitable nor comfortable working. Our senior officials give back to the minor hockey and act as mentors for our up and coming officials.
Most of all instead of dropping off and leaving our young officials at the rink, bring a coffee, find a seat and enjoy the game. Like the players, young refs like to have an audience too.
Respectfully submitted.
Dan Stackhouse
Michelle Bradley
Great Message Dan, well done. I to am a parent of an official. An official who loves the game. Not because of the extra help he receives from the parents and coaches but the excitement of the players and watching them improve. Yes, he has a full-time job, no he doesn’t have to do this, he does it for the love of the game. In his years he would come home upset, never going to do it again and the feel of defeat but he has taken his gear and back to the rink he will go. Not for the parents. Not for the coaches but for the players. The players who love the game. They love to be with there friends. The excitement they all thrive for. That is what the parents need to know. Officials are also our children, young adults who become senior officials. Without them starting and continuing up through the age groups there would be no one to call the games. Please respect them, they are our children. I promise to respect yours if you respect mine.
Matthew
We’ll put Dan,
I have been officiating for a long time as well and can remember being young and being intimidated by adults in the stands and on the bench…the comment posted about it seemingly being ok to bully kids by adults is so true. I now have young boys starting to play games and am spending even more time with young officials. I want them to be confident making calls, and applaud them for doing so. Recently at a game near Saint John, 4 young boys were officiating, and penalties were called. The older coach was yelling at the officials and received a bench minor, good for the refs! Then the visiting teams parents started, especially after the home team scored….unlike u, once I heard the first negative comment I headed over to shut things down…the parents actually yelled back at me, one even said “why, is that your kid” and another said, directly to me, later in the game, “you could’ve quietly addressed him”. Obviously it’s ok for them to yell at the kids, but not ok to be called out on it.
I hope in the future more parents and other adults in the rink are willing to step up and shut this behaviour down more consistently.
I really hope your son stays at it, as we are in need of young officials to grow older with the game just like us middle aged folks have!
Dave White
Great message & right on point. My son is a 14 yr old hockey official (2nd yr) & tries his hardest to make correct calls. Sometimes he misses one or two but none of us are perfect. I tell him do your best & try to ignore crowd. He will always have at least one fan I’m the stands, his Mom or me.
Jacqueline
Great job, Dan! Been there times two. They are both in their 20s now so no longer need me but I still go sometimes. Funny story – years back, I was at a game where my 14-year-old daughter had to call off a goal – she was at the net and the puck didn’t go in. It was the correct call but some of the parents in the stands didn’t feel the same way. We raised our kids using 1-2-3 Magic (basically giving two chances before the consequence comes down). At the next puck drop, she was at the glass as her partner dropped the puck. Three parents came down to the glass to scream at her. She calmly turned around and showed them one finger (no, not that one!). When they continued to scream at her, she showed them two fingers. By this time, two of the parents had it figured out and went to sit down but one dad kept at it. At the next whistle, he was still going. She turned and showed him three fingers and indicated “you’re out”. He left the rink to a large group laughing as many of them had figured out what she had done. She felt good about how she had handled the situation “I gave him two chances, Mum” and we still laugh about it. Hope your son finds some fun times too!
Steve
Thanks for sharing. As a Senior baseball umpire in the province I umpire the highest level of baseball and have been doing so for many years. No matter what your age, it’s never an enjoyable time being called names and ridiculed. It’s much harder on young people. I am sorry your son had to endure such treatment. My wish is that he will gain strength from this experience and your support. Social media is littered with these types of stories and experiences and one can only hope that by sharing we will come to a point where more people will wise up and understand that what they yell and scream has real consequences and real impacts. Best wishes.